I will no longer be posting here..
If you got time, you can visit my three blogs...
Dancing With Butterflies
My endless and struggling journey in having a Lupus disease.
Just Let Go
A hopeless romantic quest for true love and thoughts on the art of letting go.
Pieces of Me
Bits and pieces of me... and everything else!
Hope to see you there! :)
My supposedly "the one" got married today. And finally, the dream of you and me had come to an end. I should be heartbroken and crying over him but funny how I seemed to be alright. Of course, I am hurt and disappointed that I can no longer be "the one" for him. I guess, unconciously I have prepared myself for this day. Its been quite awhile that I've been holding on to a love that was never really mine and for someone that I desperately want to be "the one" for me. I've prayed and prayed, asking God to make you love me but even God can't do a thing if He sees the heart's not willing. I just can't make you love me the way I wanted you to.. no matter what I do I'm just not "the one" for you.
Many times when I'm alone, I feel so empty. Not really knowing what I want and it scares me that I've been numb with all this. I want to feel the pain of losing you, I want the tears to fall at least for the last time. Why am I not feeling the way I'm supposed to? I should be devastated, after all you are the only person I actually thought of spending the rest of my life with and in my mind you are the gift that God sent to me. I guess, it was only in my mind.
I still remember the night you said I could be "the one" for you. You really didn't said something certain but I end up hoping that I was indeed "the one" for you. You said you needed time to figure it out and you didn't really asked me to wait but silly me, I've been waiting and waiting... until that rainy day when I last saw you that my heart finally gave up and decided to stop waiting and to let you go and move on. And I did, just that and I've been okay but I guess part of me is still holding on to the dream that one day it will be you and me. Today that dream had died and this is the end of a love story that never really was.
Feb.25 '07 Blog Entry from Pieces of Me
It has been so long since I actually meditated on God's words. I used to have a healthy spiritual life until that crisis that almost made me turn away from everything I believed in. But lucky me, for God didn't let it happen, He didn't let me totally slipped away. He was always there even when at times I don't want Him to be. Its not easy to remain faithful when all the bad things happen to you and there comes a point in life that you seem to have everything you need but without God its seems hollow and useless. Deep inside me there's a silent emptiness and longing for God and desperately wishing that I could bring back my relationship with Him.
When I got sick and committed my life to Him, I've always thought that I already knew what God wants me to do for my life.. I thought after finishing the "Purpose Driven Life" I actually found my purpose and that is to serve God with all my heart. And I did, just that. I thought I was pleasing God with what I'm doing not knowing that somehow I was only pleasing myself and trying to look good for others and forgetting the real essence of my commitment to God. I've learned a lot the past years, it was a difficult time and a test to my faith. It has been a struggle up to know to heal and forgive those who have wronged me but I know slowly God is working on me and someday when I'm ready He will let me know His plans for my life.
In the meantime, I'm trying to repair the broken relationships and patiently waiting on God. Waiting alone, is hard enough for me for I am very impatient. In fact most of my misfortunes are brought upon my impatience, poor decisions, stubborness and mistakenly thinking that this is what God wants yet it will turn out that I'm doing what I actually want. So now, I'm trying to be more patient and relying on God's will and trusting that whatever comes my way as long as I have God in me, I need not to worry.
"For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I went to church this morning. Although I don't feel good and I've been very sick again the past days I tried to look my best and wear my best smile. The last thing I need right now is to look terrible, I think its enough that I feel that way. During the service I tried to focus and listen to the message and I tried to give praises to God. But its rather difficult to worship the Lord when you're feeling so down and I keep reminding myself that I'm at church to honor and worship God, but there's just too many distractions. My mind is wandering off somewhere and my thoughts are drifting away. I just can't help but feel sad because I know I am not pleasing God and I feel so unworthy, and I pray that somehow I'll get back the fire in me and be able to serve God with all my heart again, someday.
I miss my choir mates and friends at my old church. Its not easy to be in a new church, I just feel like an outcast, like I don't belong. 
I'm like a fish being isolated from a fishbowl and I feel so alone. I wonder if I'll ever feel at home there and its making me unhappy and I pray that God will give me wisdom to know what to do with my spirtual struggle that seems to never end.
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
Its the last day of 2006, oustide I hear a lot of noise from the firecrackers and fireworks display everywhere. With just a few minutes left for the new year, I'm exhausted. I just finished helping my mom cook our medya noche and cleaned the house. But I'm not complaining, I liked it that I accomplished a lot of things today.
It has been a toxic holiday, simple yet meaningful... shared with the people that's close to my heart and of course, the presents that I recieved, what's not to be happy for, I enjoyed every bit of it.
There's so much that I should be thankful for.. God has been good to me as always and He deserves all the praise and worship, I'm returning all the glory for everything He has done this year. However, despite the gladness I am feeling right now, there's still a silent pain and sorrow that's been dwelling in my heart. With my life temporary on hold because of Lupus, there's so much that I wanted to do and achieve. I guess, I still have to learn on how to be content despite all the unfulfilled dreams. Many times, I feel that God is somehow angry with me and He is not answering my prayers the way I wanted Him to. Nevertheless, He still remain the awesome God that I can always count on. As the year running to an end, I have learned to leave the past behind and set my eyes for tomorrow with faith that whatever comes my way, God's hand will always be there to guide and love me no matter what.
I love christmas, I'm not a big fan of it but I do like it. When I was a young girl, I did believe in Santa Claus. I would often wish for a toy I want and I've always got what I wished for.. Lucky me, I probably was a good girl, that's why Santa always gives me what I want. I think, I was about nine years old when my whole belief in Santa Claus were shattered when my parents finally told me that there is no Santa and they were the ones giving me all those gifts. I remembered crying and I didn't believe them. And that christmas eve I was still waiting for Santa to come, almost imagining that he's flying around with his sleigh. I waited and waited but he never came and I didn't get what I wished for. That was the start of my too many heartbreaking christmas and I can't remember if I actually had at least one "merry christmas" maybe I didn't have one after all.
Many times I wished I never found out the truth about Santa, what you don't know wont hurt you anyway and I prefer having something to believe in, something to cling on and I don't mind waiting, I've been waiting my whole life and it gives me some hope at least that somehow whatever I wished for will someday come true.
I'm not wishing for any toy nor any material things, all I want this christmas is to be healed and to live a normal life, away from all these sickness and sadness.
I don't know why I still love christmas, but for me its not just about the gifts you will receive, the party you're gonna attend but the gifts you will give to make someone happy, the friends you're gonna celebrate with, time for the family to be together and the season to look back and be thankful for all the blessings that came your way but most especially to celebrate the reason for the season God's ultimate gift to us His only Son Jesus Christ our Savior. Amidst all the festivity let us not forget that He is the reason why we celebrate.
Merry Christmas, everyone! 
